Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Prepare For Sex

1. Dress strategically. Long skirts for park sex. Commando for cars, dressing rooms and bathrooms. For the ladies, side ties on your bikini bottom for water sex. Sweatpants or loose jeans for guys this is about the only time the K-Fed look will work for you.
2. Choose your location wisely. Meaning no one should be around and definitely no kids. Leave parks for after-dark hours when the only straight family members are dads cruising on the DL.
3. Play it safe. Tote along condoms and lube pillow packs (silicone-based for lake or pool sex they’re about $1 each at adult bookstores.
4. Be tidy. Bring a Ziploc bag to dispose of the condom wrapper, used condom and used pillow pack. It prevents littering, plus your trash won’t tip off the police to your favorite sex spot.
5. Make excuses. If caught by the police, dressing-room attendant, bouncer, your parents say that the zipper on your pants got stuck and you needed help.
6. Make yourself comfortable. Though outdoor sex seems romantic in the Wilco/Billy Bragg collaboration Remember the Mountain Bed, pine needles and poison ivy on your privates are gross bring a hoodie so that you can lay your bare butt on it.
7. Learn from gay men. Many straight folks think sex means intercourse, which, in public, is rarely realistic or (for women) orgasmic. Gay men are more creative; much of their public sex involves hands and mouths.
8. Keep it down. If you need a pillow to muffle your cries of joy, you’re not ready for public sex.
9. Act casual. Avoid thrusting and grinding while ├óre casually sitting on your partner’s lap. Talk, laugh, smile (but not too goofy). It’s like running with a superfit friend and trying not to hyperventilate. Except instead of hiding that you’re out of shape, you’re hiding the fact that your privates are connected.
10. Cover your tracks. Bring a comb or hairbrush to tame your sex hair. Tuck your shirt back in. Wear patterned clothes to camouflage any stains. And seriously, have some class: Pack a travel-size toothbrush and toothpaste set and brush your teeth before kissing your grandmother if your mouth has been below hip level.

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