Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Too Much Time On My Hands Today!

When you’re going through a dry spell, and those weeks start to become months and those months start adding up, it can start to feel like it will never end. However, there may be things you’re doing that are hindering your sex life. Making a few subtle changes can be just what you need to getting back on track to finding the satisfaction you desire. Here are some things to consider if you’re not getting any lately.
There’s no way around it– how you look is a big part of making or breaking your chances of getting laid. Here are some ways you could be sabotaging yourself before you say a word.
You make a horrible first impression. First impressions count for a lot and if you’re making a bad one, it’s pretty unlikely that’s going to lead to anything good. Take care of how you look and present yourself when meeting anyone for the first time. You never know when it could lead to something more.

Your standards are ridiculous. If you’re not exactly the greatest catch in the world, why are you expecting to only date women or men that look like runway models? If your standards are unrealistic, you’re just setting yourself up for failure and making yourself look like a jerk in the process. Aim for people on your attractiveness level and you’ll have a much easier time sealing the deal.

You smell weird. This doesn’t always mean you smell like you just finished running a marathon, though if you’re not showering regularly you can probably assume this is a large part of your singledom. Slathering on too much aftershave or perfume can be just as overwhelming and can cause even the most tolerant of dates to hold their breath in your presence. Keep yourself smelling good but not like you just dipped yourself in a vat of eau de toilette.

You don’t take care of your appearance. You’re not going to impress many members of the opposite sex if you don’t shave, shower at at least attempt to dress like you haven’t spent the last week stranded on a desert island. You don’t have to go overboard, but make the effort to clean up before attempting to get intimate.

You have terrible dental hygiene. Let’s be honest, teeth are a big deal when it comes to finding someone attractive. You’ll have much more luck putting your mouth near someone else’s if it isn’t disgusting. Chew gum, brush your teeth and get regular check ups to ensure that your pearly whites stay that way.

You spend too much time on your appearance. On the flipside of not paying enough attention to your appearance is paying too much attention to it, at the price of your date. You don’t need to spend 4 hours prepping for a date and no one expects you to have every hair perfectly plucked. Find a happy medium and you’ll make the opposite sex happier too.

You’re too superficial. If you’re totally focused on your own appearance and that of others you’re setting yourself up for some superficial encounters as well. Some people thrive on having their egos stroked but others will find you and your attitude incredibly off-putting. Try to see beyond the surface and you may find yourself attracted to and sleeping with someone you never thought you would.

You draw attention to your flaws. Everyone has flaws and there’s not really much we can do about them. But there’s no reason to make your big nose or awkward gangliness the center of attention. If you focus on it, so will others, so play it off like you don’t even notice.
You draw attention to his/her flaws. It should be pretty obvious why this is a deal breaker. Even if you only make a joking passing reference to their big ears, this can destroy their confidence and maybe even make them think you’re kind of a jerk. It can also serve to make them too self-conscious to take off their clothes, which is exactly what you don’t want. Even if you’re thinking it, don’t say it.

You don’t like your body. It can be painfully obvious to people you meet when you don’t feel good about how you look. Self-depreciating comments and attempts to cover up every flaw will make you feel awkward and uncomfortable and won’t give you the confidence you need to make a move. Learn to accept your faults, work with what you have and love your imperfections.
Even the hottest people can drive away potential lovers by having the personality equivalent to nails on a chalkboard. Here are some tips on what not to do if you want to get to romancing.
You lack confidence. Most men and women will tell you that one of the things they find most attractive in potential mates in
confidence. If you’re constantly putting yourself down or seem too shy to make a move, you may be putting off people who would otherwise be interested in you. Change your mindset and your attitude so that you project an air of confidence (though not arrogance) to those around you.

You don’t seem genuine. Few things are more off putting than someone who seems like a big old fraud. Don’t give over the top compliments or put on a show for the lady or gentleman you’re wooing. Instead, keep your cool, be yourself, and try not to act like you’re selling them something.

You’re a fraidy cat. No one wants to get rejected, but the fact of the matter is that it’s going to happen from time to time if you put yourself out there. Cowering in a corner and simply looking at other people in the bar isn’t going to get you in anyone’s pants except maybe your own, so stop being a wuss, get up and talk to someone. You might find that it’s much easier than you thought.

You’re being too nice. This is by no means an instruction to act like a total jerk and treat the women or men you’re interested in like crap. But you should recognize that there is a difference between being nice and being too nice. If you’re starting to sound a little too syrupy sweet, you may be putting out the signal that you’re a pushover and that your date can walk all over you. So be nice, but not so nice you seem like a human Care Bear.

Your friends aren’t helping you out. This isn’t so much about your own personality as the personalities of those you choose to surround yourself with. You may be a fine, upstanding gentleman or lady, but if you’re hanging out with a bunch of frat boy idiots, you’re likely not exactly setting yourself up for success. Choose who you go out on the prowl with carefully, and try to make sure its someone who’ll be an asset instead of a liability.

You’re too intense. Ever been on a date with someone who stares you down or seems dead set on professing their love for you at every available moment? Does this sound like something that would be fun? You may be an incredibly intense, tortured soul, but the interest and tolerance that most people have for this kind of attitude wears off pretty quickly and then you just become a creep. Keep the life and death discussions until at least a few dates in to avoid scaring off your dates.

You’re being someone else. Unless you’re a masterful con artist, chances are pretty good that you’ll come off as a little awkward and forced if you try to be someone else when meeting new people or on a date. Do yourself a favor and just be yourself. Whether it works out or not, at least you didn’t have to fake it.
You come across as a sleaze. Most dates will know within a few minutes of meeting you whether or not you’re genuinely interested in them or if you’re just trying to make it to home plate. Unless your date is just as sadly desperate as you, this isn’t going to go over well. Keep the sleaze factor to a minimum. This means no taking dates to strip clubs, pinching butts or very clearly trying to get them drunk.

You’re not honest about what you’re looking for. If you’re truly not looking for a long term relationship, don’t tell women or men that you are just to bed them. This can cause a lot of trouble later, and most people will appreciate honesty up front. Who knows, you may even find someone else who’s just looking to have a good time as well.

You’re an idiot. While in the long term this simply can’t be helped, in the short term you can help downplay the effects of your total cluelessness by keeping your conversations short and sweet, not saying anything rude and by employing subtle flattery. It may disguise your true identity long enough for you to score some digits or more.

You seem desperate. If it’s clear you’re eyeing the room like a starving animal, you may be driving all your potential prey as far away as possible. Slobbering on every available person that comes your way isn’t going to win too many hearts, minds or bodies. Relax and let things happen naturally instead.

You talk about exes. No new girl or guy wants to hear about your ex so shut up about it no matter how fresh it is in your memory. It makes you seem like you’re stuck on the past and not ready to move forward with them.

You have no sense of humor. Few people like to hang around with sourpuss types who never seem to get the joke and take life as seriously as possible. Lighten up already. You may have serious concerns about the plight of starving children in Africa, and that’s fine, but learn to take and make jokes as well to keep your date entertained.

You come off as a loser. Still living at home? Unemployed? Publicly shamed? Try to keep these details about yourself on the back burner at least in the short term. Once someone gets to know and like you they may be more willing to accept your imperfections and may not see them as automatic deal breakers.

You’re creepy. Ever seen a forty year old at a frat party? How about the types who make kissy noises to ladies who pass by? These kinds of people get labeled pretty quickly as creeps and they’re not doing themselves any favors. Act like a normal person, be reasonable with your expectations, and don’t oversexualize yourself and you will likely be fine.

You’re condescending. Being a know-it-all may be useful in some situations, but dating is not one of them. Acting like you have nothing to learn from your date and that you are infinitely more intelligent than they are probably isn’t going to make them throw their arms around you. No one likes an arrogant person, so cut out the condensation and try to see what your potential love has to teach you.

You act like a child. Kids can get away with needing help cutting their meat and throwing temper tantrums because, well, they’re kids. No one expects them to be mature. You, on the other hand, are an adult. Acting like a petulant five year old when things don’t go your way is one of the quickest ways you can drive away any interested partners. Learn to act your age, don’t whine and don’t expect your partners to mother you.

You have annoying habits. Perhaps you laugh loudly after everything you say or constantly tap the table. You may not even notice you’re doing these things, but your date sure will. In the superficial early stages of dating these can be real mood killers. Ask your friends if you have any annoying habits, they’re sure to have noticed, and try to reign them in around the opposite sex.
You’re needy. Babies, puppies and kittens are needy but totally adorable. If you’re needy, it’s completely unattractive. Most people like independent, confident individuals when looking for a mate. Your potential mate isn’t your parent and doesn’t want to have to bend over backwards to make sure your every need is met. Take care of yourself and the magic will happen on its own.
You come off as stupid. Maybe you are stupid but that doesn’t mean you have to sound or appear to be stupid when talking up someone you’re interested in. Keep up on current events and don’t pretend to know about things you haven’t got a clue about. Let your date tell you about them instead. It will keep you from sounding like an idiot and make them feel smarter and more special in the process.

If you’ve taken it from the initial meeting stages to a real date there are still tons of ways you could be preventing yourself from taking it any further. Consider these things and your sailing may be a little smoother from here on out.

You live in the wrong city. Let’s face it, some places just give you better odds at meeting someone of the opposite (or same) sex. New York for example has many more single ladies than men, while the west coast is chock full of single men looking for a lady. You don’t have to move halfway across the country to meet someone, but perhaps a little vacation could be just what you need to skew the odds in your favor.

You act like too much of a player. Whether you’re a man or a woman, acting like the person you’re on a date with is just one in a long string of mates isn’t going to win their heart anytime soon. When you’re on a date the person you’re with should be the only thing you’re concentrating on. Making them feel special can win trust, endear them to you, and increase the chances they’ll stick around long enough for a little hanky panky.
You’re trying too hard. Being around someone who is trying so hard to impress and charm someone they’re interested in is one of the most awkward situations possible. It not only makes your potential mate and everyone around feel uncomfortable, but it also makes you look like a sad, pathetic sap. Try to keep your conversations casual and keep things friendly. You don’t have to go out of your way to impress or flatter anyone, especially not right off the bat.
You’re not trying hard enough. On the flipside, your date is going to be pretty miffed if you show up looking like you just rolled out of bed, you’re late, and you don’t seem to have put any thoughts into plans for the evening. Unless you’re a rockstar, this kind of performance isn’t going to land you any kind of action anytime soon. If your date is making the effort to look presentable and spend time thinking about you, at least have the decency to return the favor.
You come on too strong. If you’ve made it clear within the first five minutes of the date that all you’re doing is picturing the person naked or figuring how best to get them actually naked, you’re probably not going to have a chance of doing that anytime soon. While in actuality you may be a desperate, sex-starved person, don’t let your date onto this fact and keep the sexual commentary to a minimum unless it’s reciprocated.

You don’t listen. Your date can tell when you’re not really listening to what he or she is saying. This lack of interest just makes you seem rude and isn’t going to win you any brownie points. Listen carefully. Your recall of details could be key later on to impressing your date.
You’re not that nice. While conventional wisdom tells us that people love to date those who are huge jerks the reality is that people also love to date people who are genuinely nice. Don’t put down your date, be rude, or act like a know-it-all. You may be acting like a rebel without a cause, but you likely won’t be impressing anyone but yourself.

You don’t know how to have a conversation. Awkward silences on a date can be pretty miserable and they’re only exacerbated by poor conversational skills. If you don’t have anything to talk about, chances are you haven’t been listening to your date or you’ve bored them by talking too much about yourself. Make an effort to boost your conversational skills in everything you do and to learn about what makes your date tick.

You’re late. While later on in a relationship tardiness can become an endearing and quirky part of your personality, early on it’s just rude. It makes your date feel like you can’t be bothered to be on time and that you don’t care that much about them. Not exactly the impression you want to make. Give yourself plenty of time before going out to get ready and to get to your destination. The extra effort can definitely pay off in the end.

You’re not focused on him/her. Guilty of a wandering eye? Don’t think that your date hasn’t noticed, they sure as heck see every time you check out the waitress or cute boys who walk by. Focus your attention on your date and save the browsing for later.

You talk too much about yourself. It’s fine to tell someone that doesn’t know much about you what you like, where you work and what you do in your spare time but if you’re going on and on about yourself, your date is likely starting to care less and less about what you’re saying. Make a concentrated effort to ensure that both of you are participating in the conversation. You’ll both have more fun and there’s a much better chance of things going further.

You’re boring. Maybe it’s not your fault. Maybe you work in a boring office with boring people and you live alone and never leave the house. Well, that kind of is your fault. If you don’t do anything you don’t have anything to talk to people about. Get out there, have fun, take up a hobby, read a book, anything that gives you something to talk about that doesn’t bore the crap out of everyone else around you.

Your compliments are smarmy. Most people love getting compliments but when you’re idea of a compliment is “wow, your ass looks great in those jeans” you may be crossing the line from nice to sort of creepy. Keep the compliments nice, genuine and preferably something you wouldn’t be embarrassed to have your mother hear and save the sexy stuff for later.

You act like a salesperson. Essentially you are selling yourself, but no one wants to feel like they’re getting swindled by a used car salesman when they go on a date. Keep the sales pitches to a minimum and stick to talking about the basics. If the person is interested, the pitch is unnecessary anyway.

You use stupid pick up lines. Pick up lines rarely work and if they do its usually because they’re so stupid they’re funny or the person you’re using them on is too inebriated to realize just how stupid they are. Cut out the cheesy lines and just stick to small talk when you’re meeting someone new.
Sealing the Deal
If you can make it to the home stretch but just can’t seem to quite get over that last hurdle, you may be sabotaging your own efforts by doing one of these things.
You are afraid to make the first move. Everyone has been in a situation where they’re not sure if they should put the moves on their date or not. The thing is, you’ll never know if your date is up for it if you don’t try. If you feel uncomfortable invading his or her personal space you can ask first, but whatever you do, take the initiative or opportunities could just be getting away from you.

You’re too drunk. If it takes you three beers before you can even get up the nerve to talk to someone you’re interested in, you may be blowing it before you even get out of the gate. Unless your lovely lady or man is also inebriated, your drunken blatherings aren’t going to get you too far. Even if you do manage to bring someone home, you likely won’t make it a memorable experience for them or yourself in your state. So have a drink if it helps loosen you up, but don’t get drunk if you’re looking to score a date or sex you’ll actually remember.

You make things awkward. Don’t put your date in a position where they feel they have to do things they may not yet be comfortable with. If they don’t feel comfortable with you they’re not going to go out on another date and you’re sure as heck not getting laid. Try to keep the awkwardness to a minimum and don’t put him/her in situations you know might lead to uncomfortable silences.

You’re rude to his/her friends. One of the quickest ways to blow a good thing is to be a jerk to your potential mate’s friends. If you’re rude to them, chances are you’ll be rude to him/her too and that’s a big turn off. Even if you find their friends to be beyond annoying, keep your thoughts to yourself.
You’re a slob. Bringing your date home to the disgusting mess you have at home isn’t going to impress anyone, nor will it set the mood for romance. Wash the dishes, pick up your dirty clothes and change the sheets if you think you’ll be bringing anyone home. Even if you don’t, it doesn’t hurt to clean up now and again.
You’re too nervous. So you’ve finally got the chance to get some and you’re shaking in your boots at the prospect. Don’t let your nerves ruin it for you. Relax and realize there are few things you could do to really mess things up at this point.

Your timing sucks. It could be that you’ve done everything right but when the time comes (or so you think) to finally get to the lovemaking, your intuition is all wrong and you blow it. Before putting the moves on your date ensure that they’re in a good mood, that they reciprocate your feelings and that the situation isn’t horribly, horribly awkward for them.
You suck at kissing. Many people base how well you’ll perform in the sack on how well you
kiss, and if you’re doing a crappy job of that things are unlikely to go much further. Don’t shove your tongue down their throat, keep the sloppiness to a minimum, and follow your partner’s lead and you’ll be better off already.

You make him/her uncomfortable. If you’ve gotten an attractive someone to come home with you the last thing you want to do is to make them feel uncomfortable with you. Whether that’s because your apartment is decorated in taxidermied animals or because you’re pushing too hard, making your date comfortable is entirely up to you. Do what you can to ensure they feel taken care of and you’re much more likely to score big.

You ruin the moment. You’re just about to cross the line from desperately seeking to satisfied when you open your big mouth and say something completely stupid. There’s nothing worse than ruining it at the last moment, so keep your commentary to yourself and make sure you have all the necessary preparations to take it all the way.

You have no idea how to take it to the next level. While what is comfortable for each person differs individually, in general its not too hard to figure out how to take your relationship to the next level. Just do it. Simple as that. If your date isn’t ready he or she will tell you so.
You’re most interested in meeting your own needs. It can become abundantly clear to someone that you’re dating that you have no regard for their needs and that you’re only trying to meet your own. You won’t be meeting anyone’s needs if you make this too clear, so ensure that you’re making things enjoyable for both you and your partner. The more fun they have, the more likely they are to return for more.
by Heather Johnson

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